Crash Into You (PG-13)

[ash]

Chapter One-
“Where I End and You Begin”





So much had changed, I thought for the thousandth time in the past couple of months. A little over a year ago we had begun and then we were engaged and now…now I was his wife. I had become Mrs. Bradley H. Townsend and I was half-owner of the farm that I had once thought to be too perfect looking with so much politics and everything else. I was married to the man that I had once despised, and I hadn’t even turned twenty-two yet.

I stare across the barn yard at him where he was conversing with Ken Maddock. He kept glancing my way but gave no smile or anything else. I didn’t either. We were married now but that didn’t mean that it had turned us into two googly-eyed teenagers. I just checked him out more often and now I got to kiss him. I turned my attention back to Samantha McLean who was talking animatedly about that morning’s work out. “I think that he’s really ready for the Derby, Ash. I think he’s going to win it.”

I smiled up at the fifteen year old red head as Charlie Burke walked up, hearing the last of what Samantha had said. “Don’t count your chickens before their hatched.” he said and I mouthed the words along with him, knowing them by heart.

“Oh, c’mon Charlie. I know that you watched him out there. He was fantastic, I bet he was at least a fraction faster than every horse out there.” She argued, putting her hands on her tiny hips. “Your just being cynical.”

I couldn’t help but smile at the fireball in front of me. I’d learned to deal with Charlie and his old ways, I’d learned that he would always look at the dark side before the bright one, he’d be prepared for the negative before he looked on to the positive. He was the reason I had any success in the business. I owed him so much. “And your being too confident.” he shot back and I grinned even more, sliding my eyes ever so casually back to Brad. He was frowning now with his hands in his pockets and I knew that he’d regret later the words that I was sure would spring from his mouth. I loved him but his hissy fits I could live without.

“So, Ashleigh, are you going to Churchill Downs tomorrow with Pride?” Charlie shoved his hands in the pockets of his worn slacks and turned his piercing blue eyed gaze towards me. “Or are you going to hang around the farm?”

I scribbled something on my chart and looked up at him. “Yeah, I’ll be going, Charlie. I need to make sure that Pride gets settled in and to give you two a ride.” I said, grinning at them both. It scared me how well I knew them sometimes. Charlie and Samantha would both be needing a ride to the track as neither of them had their license.

Charlie scowled at me and nodded curtly. “What time you planning’ on leaving?”

“Around nine or so. I want to be here for the morning works and we don’t really need to be at the track early. I won’t be able to stay too long though, Brad and I have a dinner that we have to be at.”

His scowl deepened and he looked around as he spoke. “I should have known you would have turned into one of those darn Stepford wives. It was only a matter of time.”

I rolled my eyes at him and chuckled a little. “Going to dinner to discuss buying a new colt is not being a darn Stepford wife. It’s merely a business dinner with the man that I happen to be married to.”

“Right.” Samantha said, crossing her arms and getting a devilish grin on her face when a rusty old pick-up pulled into the driveway. It could only be the guy that she claimed wasn’t her boyfriend, Tor Nelson.

“Looks like you have company.” I said as she dashed off. I glanced at Charlie and saw him watching her disapprovingly. “What’s the matter, Charlie? Afraid she’ll turn into me?” I teased.

“Pretty much.” he said and walked off. But I’d caught the twinkling look he sent me and I knew he meant it is as a joke. No one understood why I’d married Brad, I’d even heard speculation that our marriage was a business deal but I knew why I’d married him. It had taken me years to get to know him but I think that we really brought out the best in each other. All of my major accomplishments seemed to have happened when I was trying to prove him wrong. That had to be somewhat of a good sign.

As I made my way to my office to drop of my clip board, I checked my watch and saw that it was quarter after nine. For the most part work outs were done for the morning, everyone was just finishing up. It was still fairly busy around the farm but I knew that soon it would quiet down and the trainers and managers would retire to their offices to work on the endless piles of paper work that came with this job. The grooms would work on cleaning tack while talking amongst themselves and some of the jockeys would go to the track to try and score rides. The less dedicated ones would probably head home.

“Hey,” I heard Brad come up behind me and place a subtle hand around my waist. “Where are you headed?” he asked me as he nodded to one of the grooms.

“To my office and then to spoil Wonder and her new baby some more. How about you?” As I spoke, I looked up into the handsome face of my husband of the past two weeks. We’d gotten married at the beginning of April and since then we’d taken a week long honey moon in Europe. We’d returned home a week ago and it had been business as usual. For the most part.

He shut my office door behind me and leaned against it. “Well, I’m going to go up to the house to change and then I have a meeting in town.” He motioned for me to come closer and I wrapped my arms around his neck, resting my head on his shoulder. “What do you say we slip away tonight for a quiet night on the town?”

“Can’t.” I said as I pressed a kiss to his neck. “My parents are having that party for me for my birthday since my sister and her family will already be back in New York by then.”

“Right.” he said and looked slightly disappointed. “Rain check?” he said as he kissed my lips lovingly.

“Sounds good.” I said and kissed him once more before pulling away. “You better get going or your going to be late for your meeting.”

He pulled me against him for one more quick kiss before opening my office door. “See you later today.” he flashed that famous Brad Townsend smile that I was sure still made half the girls in Lexington swoon and walked out. As he did that, all I could think was that once upon a time I had been on the other half. But now, I’d switched over and was standing, front row and center.


* * * * * * * * * *

“How’s my favorite girl?” I cooed in Wonder’s ear as I let myself into her stall. I leaned forward to pet her newborn foal, Mr. Wonderful and giggled a little when the colt tickled my neck and ear with his velvet nose. “Enjoying being a new mom again?”

I’d been devastated when I’d been forced to retire Wonder. Due to an injury she’d received on the track. But not long after we’d decided to breed her and then had come the wonderful, Wonder’s Pride. Now she had Mr. Wonderful. As great of a racehorse as Wonder had been, she was an even better mom. She knew exactly what to do and when to do it. I couldn’t have asked for a better horse.

I decided that it was time to get her and the little guy outside so I slipped on her halter and clipped on the lead shank. It would be the first time that she and her colt would be outside since he’d been born. “Easy, girl.” I said as she rolled her eyes, looking around desperately for her colt, who was just trying to avoid his mother’s hooves to get to her side. “See? He’s right there.”

Mr. Wonderful stuck close to his mother’s side, eyeing this new world that he hadn’t known existed. Until now, he hadn’t known that there was a world outside the four walls of his mother’s stall. He was learning new things everyday and I think that’s why I enjoyed being around the foals so much. They taught me and reminded me of how innocent life can be. How easy it can be to adore something if you just let yourself believe in it.

When we reached the paddock gate I released Wonder, slipping off her halter to make sure that she didn’t get tangled in anything. I’d been tired all morning but now, as I sat here watching Wonder and her foal, sleep was the farthest thing from my mind.

I remembered pulling up here as a twelve year old girl who had just lost everything that she knew. I remembered meeting Brad for the first time and thinking about what a jerk he was. I remembered falling in love with Wonder from the first time I looked at her tiny, crumpled form, laying helplessly in a pile of straw. I remembered meeting Charlie and Jilly and all I ended up learning from them. I remembered falling in love with racing.

“What are you thinking about?” I heard Jilly’s familiar voice from behind me and smiled softly as I turned to face her.

“Oh, just about life was like when I first moved here. Meeting all of you guys and learning about racing.” I sighed a little and looked back at Wonder. “So much has changed.” I murmured.

“Like you marrying Brad Townsend?” She said, smiling as she shook her head. “I still can’t believe you did that, Ash. But then again, I guess I never accepted yours and Mike’s break up, either.”

I looked down at the glittering diamonds on my hands and I guess I was always a little surprised that that part of my life didn’t hurt so much anymore. Mike had left me and it had shattered me. It’s what ultimately had led me to Brad. He’d been a source of comfort to me during that time, even though most of what we’d done had been fight. But there had been the times that he had shown me that a real person existed under that mask of indifference. That there was someone there who felt and hurt and…loved. That there was a person on this planet that could make me fall in love again. “It’s better this way. Jilly, you may not be able to get passed what an ass he used to be but. . . I love him. I really, really love him.”

Jilly sighed and rubbed my back. “I know and I’m sorry but c’mon Ash,” She paused as a smile slipped across her face. “Used to be?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, too. “I know, I’m kind of stretching it there.” We may be married now but I was still a pain in his ass and he was still a jerk. Some things never change.



* * * * * * * * * * *




I tucked my hand into Brad’s and smiled up at him as we waited on my parent’s door step. I knew that he still felt uncomfortable here mostly because he and my family had never really gotten along. And him and Caroline kind of had a past, too. It was she who answered the door, her two year old on her hip and I could see the faint outline of the new baby that would be arriving later in the summer through her shirt. She grinned when she saw me and quickly pulled me into a hug. At the end of the hug, I ended up with Alex in my arms as she rushed off to stir the gravy, not even bothering to greet Brad.

“Where’s everyone else?” I asked, peering around the corner into the living room only to find it empty.

Caroline shrugged as she tested the gravy with her finger. She motioned for me to try some and I nodded, letting her know it was just right. “They went down to the barns. Mom and Dad wanted to check one of the mares and Justin wanted to go with for some reason.” she shrugged again as she grabbed a wash cloth to wipe of her son’s messy face. “I don’t know how he does it but he always manages to make a mess. You can give him a piece of bread and he still manages to make a mess with it. It drives me insane.”

I smiled at my nephew. “He must get it from his Aunt Ash.” When both Caroline and Brad snorted a little and nodded their heads in agreement, I couldn’t help but smile a little. They were far more alike then they realized.

“Ashleigh!” I heard my mother’s voice cry out as she wrapped me in a hug. “You look so pretty.” she said as she ran her fingers over my always flat hair and smiled. “How’s married life?” She said as she looked from me to Brad. We both looked at each other and smiled, making grunting noises to downplay our happiness. She laughed and took Alex from me. Because Caroline and her family lived in New York my mother always seemed to feel that she didn’t get in enough spoiling time and therefore worked extra hard while they were in town to spoil them.

“How’s everything with the farm?” My father asked as he reached forward to hug me. “Keeping you busy?” While my mother managed to be friendly with Brad, my father and sister were more reserved which was better than Justin who refused to say anything to him at all. Apparently, Justin remembered the past that Caroline and Brad had as well.

“It’s going good. We’re bringing Pride and some of the other horses to Churchill Downs tomorrow. It’ll give them some time to get a little more used to the track.”

This is how Griffen family get-togethers went. Most of the talk was horses, veering off ever so often to talk about Caroline’s business and Justin’s firm. Of course talk about Alex and the new baby came in but no one ever asked Brad anything about how things were going for him around the farm. No one ever asked the two of us if we were thinking about having kids, which we weren’t. But it still irked me that my family could be so sweet and gracious to Caroline’s husband but when it came to mine, no one would dare say much more than a few words. I was the one who was most affected by our past but yet I was the only one who could get past that and take into note the man that he had become.

[ash]

-Chapter Two-



“Another Time”





It was happening again, was all I could think as I walked towards Brad and Charlie. They both had their hands on their hips and were glaring at each other. I could hear the last of what Charlie was saying. “You wouldn’t be nowhere if it wasn’t for daddy’s last name and daddy’s money. All you are is a spoiled brat with a big bank account.”

Brad leaned forward, that darkness in his eyes that always hurt me. “Which is far more than what you’ve got. All you’ve got is everyone around here’s pity because you have maybe a few years left of your life. Back down, old man, and let the professionals do their job.”

Charlie was about to something when I intervened. “Brad.” My voice was sharp and he snapped his head towards me. “What are you guys doing?”

“The kid here thinks he’s going to be taking Pride for a breeze tomorrow. He already had his breeze yesterday. Anymore will only tire him out and you can’t bring a tired horse into the Derby and expect him to win.” Charlie’s eyes were slit with anger and I could tell he was trying hard to control himself.

“Brad,” I said, looking over to my husband who was looking at me expectantly. “I think that maybe Charlie’s right. You want to keep Pride fresh and ready to face anything for the Derby. He’s up against stiff competition. Maybe we should keep the works light just to limber him up.”

Those dark blue eyes slit into a glare and he I saw him clench his fist before stalking off in the opposite direction. I let out a deep breath and closed my eyes, attempting to rub away the headache. “Why can’t the two of you just get along?” I said to Charlie.

The old man shrugged. “Because the kid refuses to grow up.” his blue eyes met mine as he took a step towards me. “You’ll realize one of these days that you made a mistake, Ashleigh. But by then, you won’t be able to take it back.” He brushed past me and I watched him go. I looked over my other shoulder and watched my husband’s retreating back.

Everyone thought I was crazy for marrying Brad and maybe I was. Maybe they were right and I was making a mistake but I knew that I loved him. And if you weren’t willing to take risks for someone you love… then why bother?

I found Brad later behind one of the barns leaning against it and smoking a cigarette. I hadn’t known he smoked so the sight surprised me. What hurt was that he was my husband and I hadn’t known this about him. Times like these made me feel so awkward and unsteady. I slid up next to him and stare straight ahead. “So, how long are you going to keep taking everyone else’s side?” He asked as he took another drag.

“I wasn’t taking Charlie’s side, I was standing up for what I thought was best for Pride.” I turned to look at him but he still wouldn’t look at me. “Brad, if you wanted someone who was going to cave to your every thought, need, and demand then you married the wrong woman.” I held up my left hand. “If that’s the kind of girl you wanted then you never should have gave me this.”

He blew out smoke and dropped his head down. “I felt like a fool out there. My own wife wouldn’t even stand by me.”

Another time, I would have told him that he was a fool. I would have used this opportunity to really stick it to him. Another day, I would have held my head high and laughed at his expense. Another day, yes but now, as I stood next to him as his wife…I couldn’t. I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and kissed his neck gently. “I love you.”

He pulled away from me, his blue eyes burning holes into my hazel ones. “I know you do, Ash but I don’t know if love is enough.”

“What are you trying to tell me?” Suddenly, I felt hot and cold all over. I could just picture it splashed all over the newspaper “Ashleigh Griffen’s failed marriage.” I could just imagine everyone telling me that I’d been stupid to fall for Brad, stupid to believe that he actually loved me.

He sighed and walked towards me, pressing his forehead on mine, resting his hand gently on the back of my neck. “I don’t know, Ash. I really don’t know.”

I put my hands on either side of his face and forced him to look into my eyes. “All I hear from everyone is how crazy I am to think that you and I could actually make a relationship work. That I’m insane for thinking that you could actually love me and that we can actually have a life together. I know that we drive each other crazy ninety-nine percent of the time but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you and that this isn’t meant to be. It just means it’s going to be a lot more work. I’m up for it if you are.”

He kissed my forehead gently but pulled away. “See if Samantha and the old man are ready to go. If we don’t leave now we’ll be late.”

And all I could was watch him walk away from me. I could feel tears swell in my eyes as I wondered if it was as worth it for him as it was for me.




* * * * * * * * * * * *



I had just finished my shower and was sitting on our bed in my pajamas when he walked in. He didn’t say anything to me, he just drug in the top drawer for a pair of sweat pants and slipped into them, leaving his clothes a pile on the floor. I rubbed lotion on my arms and legs as I watched him, my hazel eyes carefully following his every movement. “What?” he finally said, looking irritated.

“Just trying to figure out when your going to calm down and tell me what’s really bothering you.” I said, finally taking my gaze from him as I walked to the vanity where I removed my wedding ring and put in the same velvet box that Brad had given me when he proposed.

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?” He said and when I looked at him his face was red with anger.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. “Okay, now your being mad just to be mad. Let’s just go to bed and we’ll talk about it in the morning.” I tried to crawl beneath the sheets but he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him.

“We’ll talk about it now.” he said through gritted teeth and my gaze turned to steel as I jerked away from him.

“When you decide just what it was that you want from me, we’ll talk until then, I have nothing to say to you.” He brought me back to him again but this time his touch was gentler and his gaze was just tired.

“You know what I want from you.” he said, almost quietly. “I just want you as my wife.”

“Didn’t seem like it today.” I said and swore to myself that I wouldn’t cry but it never worked. “Brad, how could you say such hurtful things? I honestly thought you were going to ask me for a divorce.” Another time he might have made a joke but he now saw the tears in my eyes and pulled me towards him, whispering words I couldn’t understand in my ear.

“I love you, Ashleigh and I would never ask you for a divorce. We can do this.” He said before he covered his lips with mine. And once again, he made me believe. “I love you. I don’t even know how to say it to you anymore because you never want to believe me.”

“How about the way that you show it, Brad? You use any excuse to get angry with me. We aren’t the same people that we were two or three years ago. Hell, we aren’t even the same people that we were a month ago. We are married to each other now. And I can’t handle wondering what it is that your going to freak out over the next time. When the next time is that you’ll decide you want to be done with this and whether or not you’ll mean it.” I ran my fingers over my face and let out a deep breath.

“Well, what about you?” he said and then he was angry again. He was always so angry. “When the hell are you going to learn to stand up for me? When are you going to learn to be my wife and see things from my point of view. You say that I always look for an excuse to be mad at you well that’s because you always give me one!”

I swiped at my tears angrily but refused to look at him. All of those years spent fighting and hating each other really had taken a toll on us. We’d already formed our habits with each other, the way that we dealt with each other. It didn’t matter how in love we were. We were who we were and a couple of rings wouldn’t or couldn’t change that.

“God, Ashleigh!” He said, pulling away and walking to the other side of the room where he took several deep breaths. “Why can’t we just shut up and be happy?”


“What are you doing here?” I said as I picked up my skirts and struggled to make it through the wet grass in my heels. It was close to four in the morning, we had just gotten home from Caroline’s wedding dance. Mike had ended up coming with a pretty blond and had completely destroyed my evening. And now, as if my life didn’t already suck, Brad Townsend was following me.

“Let me give you a ride home.” he said. “Your tired and irritated and you’ve had way too much to drink. Fifteen minutes in a car with me is much better than spending a few days at least in a hospital. Trust me.”

I glanced at him. “Don’t be so sure.” I said and started off towards my car again. Where the hell had I parked?
“Look, I’ll be fine. If I can deal with you, I think I can handle anything.”

He shrugged and had me convinced for a second that he was going to actually listen to me for once. I was wrong. Dead wrong. The next thing I know he’s got me over his shoulder and is carrying me to his truck, kicking and screaming. “I don’t want one of my jockey’s to get hurt. It would really put me in a jam and right now, I can’t afford to be in a jam.” He set me down in front of him as he tried to push me inside the pick-up.

“Well, that’s just too bad because I am driving home.” I had my knee in just the right position to get him where it really hurts but he was a step ahead of my drunk-mind.

“Quit being so stubborn, Griffen.” he said, irritated as he tightened his grip on me. Our struggle stopped for a moment and he was staring straight down at me. I could feel his breath on my cheek and the sensation sent shivers down my spine.

“When you stop being such an ass.” I said through gritted teeth.

I don’t know what made him kiss me. I don’t know what made me kiss him back. But all of a sudden he was standing in front of me and we were fighting and the next he was kissing me and I had my arms locked around his neck. When he stopped, the only thing that was cool was the feeling of his pick-up against my back.


I walked slowly to him now, resting one hand gently on his back and placing the other in his own hand. I kissed his shoulder gently and closed my eyes, feeling him tense beneath my touch. So this is what I did to him. I didn’t relax him like most wives did. No, I made him tense up and shut down. Did that get me the wife of the year award?

I felt him pulling away and a tear leaked through my closed eyes. “I…Let’s just go to bed.” He said as he brushed past me. But when I laid down next to him he pulled me closer to him. My head rested on his bare chest and his hand rested on my hip while the other was laced with mine. And when I woke up…he was still there.

[ash]

-Chapter Three-




“Are You True?”




The Derby buzz was starting to catch, I thought as I watched Samantha unload Pride from the trailer, the rain falling heavily around us. I’d stepped beneath the covering of the barn when Samantha told me very seriously that she had him. My arms were folded across my head and my long, brown hair fell over my shoulders which were heavy from the sweatshirt that I wore.

Charlie walked up next to me, handing me a steaming cup of coffee. “Maybe if she would of drank more of this stuff she could of made it as a jockey.” He said as he took a drink.

I looked at the man who stood about the same height as me and then at the tall girl who was unloading Pride, her bright red hair pulled into a pony-tail and smiled, chuckling a bit. It was true that Samantha was already too tall to be a jockey and since she was only fifteen she’d grow even more. “She’s good with the horses though.” I said and took a drink of coffee.

“Damn right about that.” He was sounding surprisingly adamant about this subject and I couldn’t help but smile again. Samantha had earned Charlie’s respect all right. She might not know it but she had it. “Where’s that smart-ass husband of yours?”

I took another drink of coffee, only sending Charlie a small glare as I looked around for Brad, spotting him in the corner talking to one of the new grooms. He nodded at me and I turned back to Samantha and Charlie, still a little hurt by his behavior last night. “Who’s the groom?” I asked Charlie who glanced casually over his shoulder.

“Tom Brooks.” he answered. “From Florida or something. Seems to have an okay touch.” Once again high praise coming from Charlie. I wondered briefly if he was starting to get soft in his old age. I remembered the rage in his eyes yesterday when talking to Brad and decided against it. Nope, not a chance.

“Ash, do you want to hand me a new blanket?” Samantha called to me. “This one is soaked.”

I nodded, walking over by where Brad was standing to grab a blanket from one of the chests. It was heavy with the “Townsend Acres” written boldly across it, green and yellow glittering. He gave me a charming smile and it really wasn’t my fault that my heart leapt a little in my chest when I smiled back at him.

“Here you go, Sam.” I said, taking the wet one from her and hanging it up to help it dry. “Why don’t you get him some water and I’ll grab him some hay and oats. It should help him relax a little. If it clears up later maybe we’ll take him for a walk.”

Samantha threw the blanket over his shoulders, adjusting it carefully. “All right. But I think that I’ve got him covered now if you and Charlie have somewhere you need to be.” She said, looking over my shoulder as she said this and then I felt Brad’s arm around me.

“Hello, Samantha.” he said, smiling and then, “Charlie.”

“Hello.” Samantha said coolly and Charlie didn’t say anything, pretending to just wander off as if he hadn’t heard a thing. I frowned at both of them as I wrapped my arm around Brad’s waist, pulling him closer.

“Sam, do you have things under control around here? I was thinking about taking Ashleigh out for dinner and maybe a movie.” He glanced down at me, noting my surprise with another charming smile. I couldn’t mask my glee, forgetting my earlier anger with him just because it felt too good when things were right between us.

“Yeah, that sounds fine.” She said, turning her green eyes to me and I smiled at her, my eyes begging her to let me go without feeling guilty.

“Are you sure?” I said. “ I mean I could-”

“No,” she said firmly and then she smiled. “You two go off and have some fun. If I need anything I’ll get Charlie.” It was that moment that I loved her so much it made my heart swell. She really was the only one who was able to put everything else with Brad aside and realized that I loved him and he made me happy.

“You have my cell number if something happens.” I said and looked up at Brad who was staring down at me. “I’ll call in a little while to check in.”

“Have a good night, Samantha.” Brad said and this time his smile was genuine.

“You, too.” Samantha said and then I walked off the Churchill Downs backside, arm in arm with my husband.

*

The restaurant that he chose was trendy but not too fancy. We’d stopped by our hotel room to get changed. I decided on a simple black dress that showed off a little more than usual and Brad decided on a black button up shirt and faded jeans.

A bottle of Chardonnay sat between us and a few candles as we sipped our wine and munched on breadsticks and pasta. “What’s on your mind?” I asked Brad, watching as he filled his wine glass and frowned a little when he realized that I still wasn’t due for a refill. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on with me. Usually I was able to keep up with him but tonight the only thing that seemed to go down was the food but every time I even looked at my wine glass I felt a little nauseous.

“I’m actually wondering what’s going on with you.” he said, nodding his head towards my still-full wine glass. “Did I order the wrong wine? Do you want me to get you some red?”

“No, no,” I said, shaking my head and smiling at him. “It’s not that. I’m really not sure what it is. It just…doesn’t seem to be going down well for me.”

He raised a dark brow at me and I felt my blood begin to slow. He took a drink of his wine, his blue eyes never leaving mine. “Is there something you should be telling me.”

Oh God, I thought and then I felt a little queasy. “No,” I said shakily. “I mean I don’t think there is.”

“Are you sure?” He said. “We haven’t exactly been careful over our relationship.”

“Shut up.” I said but there was no vindication in it, nothing to show that I meant it and he only chuckled a little at me.

“Did I scare you?” he said and it surprised me so much that I would be the one sitting here, freaking out and he would be so calm, cool and collected. Acting as if the very thought of a baby didn’t scare the hell out of him.

“There is no way that I could be pregnant.” I said and took a drink of my wine to prove it. But then, just like it had been all evening, the wine felt funny going down and I had to struggle to swallow it. “Let’s talk about something else.”

Brad laughed and kissed my hand and reminded me all of the reasons that I fell in love with him. He wasn’t the hot-headed ass hole that everyone perceived him to be-at least not all of the time. There were moments when he was so sweet it made my heart ache, moments like this one where he made me feel so warm and comfortable. And I guess without the moments where I wondered if it was worth it at all, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate how good it felt to just be with him now, holding his hand in candle light.

Maybe that’s what went wrong with Mike. Maybe we just got along too well and then pretty soon there was just no more passion left. It was just the day-to-day stuff that held no adventure anymore. Days and even weeks would go by and we would hardly say anything meaningful to each other. We wouldn’t laugh or cuddle or kiss or really do anything. We never fought and while everyone looked on enviously at our “perfect” relationship, I was hating every minute of it. I guess that Mike was, too but he was the only one who the guts to break it off.

We’d been together since I was fifteen so I can’t say that it didn’t hurt when he broke up with me. Everyone had just expected us to get married and I guess that I did, too. I’d felt lost when he’d left me and I’d had a hard time learning where to turn. It had turned me to what everyone else had convinced themselves would be the worst place for me; Brad Townsend’s arms. But that was a long time ago and now that I looked at him as my husband, I was even more sure that they were wrong. It was right where I needed to be.

“Brad.” We both looked up at the sugary sweet voice of Lavinia Hotchkiss-Ross staring down at us. Her features were beautiful as always, her blond hair flowing around her shoulders and her pretty blue eyes cold as ice. She glanced quickly, haughtily, at me before turning back to my husband. There was a handsome man on her arm and he kept looking around uncomfortably. “I can’t believe that’s really you. It’s been ages since we’ve seen each other.”

Brad looked at me first, smiling and slithering that charm right up to meet hers. “Lavinia, darling, it’s been too long. How are you?” She leaned down to kiss him on the cheek and he placed his hand on her shoulder, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye.

“Fabulous,” She said, batting her lashes at him and I watched in disgust as they went back in forth, asking about each other’s lives. It was apparent that the handsome man on her arm and I had both been forgotten, lost in the world that Brad and Lavinia still seemed to live in. I was getting more angry by the second when I finally heard Lavinia’s voice again, this time directed at me. “Ashleigh Griffen.” She looked again at Brad. “This must be a business dinner or something. Am I right?”

It was my turn to be snide and sickeningly sweet. “No, actually Lavinia, this is a date. A date between two married people. Brad is my husband now.” I reached for his hand and he gave it to me, looking a little surprised. I squeezed his hand and looked at him lovingly as I kicked him in the shin under the table. He winced a little but managed to cover it up quickly, much to his credit. “And who is this?”

“Oh, this is David, a friend of mine.” she all but stammered. “I never saw the two of you getting married coming. I always assumed all that talk was just rumors.”

Brad decided that now would be time to start kissing ass and he was right. “Nope, they aren’t rumors. Ashleigh is my wife now and I have never, ever been happier.”

“Well then,” She said, her face turning a little red and her composure nearly snapping for a minute. “Congratulations.”

We both watched as she walked off and Brad squeezed my hand again, trying to get my attention. “Sweetheart,” he said, charm oozing out of every pour. “I was just trying to make you jealous.”

Cheesecake was set before me and I took a bite, savoring the rich texture.

“Did it work?”

“Nope,” I said and took another bite. He leaned in to kiss me but I found my wine glass first, splashing it in his face, feeling the bite of satisfaction as he sank back into his chair. “Not at all, darling.” I grabbed my purse and walked out.

[ash]

Chapter Four

“Crash Course in Polite Conversation”



I stood next to the rail with my arms wrapped around myself, trying to ward the early morning cold out. Brad and I had slept quietly next to each other last night and when I woke up he was already gone, heading off into his busy day without me. I didn’t mind. Today I had walked straight passed him without even the smallest of glances. I’d stood there talking to Samantha and made her tell me if he was looking at me. He was.

Pride’s work would be coming up soon. I was only planning on giving him a light jog to get him used to the track. We still had a week to go before the Derby, the first Saturday in May. The first Saturday in May would also be mine and Brad’s one month anniversary. The wedding bliss had already worn off.

“I want to see how he does if we breeze him.” Brad said in my ear.

I turned to look at him, stepping back because I was mad at him and that was just too close. Plus, he smelled good. “I was planning on a jog to get him used to the track.”

“A breeze would be better. What if it’s rainy on Saturday? I want to know how he takes to this track in the mud.” He stepped closer again and people were watching. I couldn’t step away from him without being obvious. “Please, Ash, don’t fight me on this.”

I looked over his shoulder and saw two very important looking men looking our way. They were talking amongst themselves and I sensed the tension. “What’s going on?” I whispered to him.

Samantha was walking up with Pride. He was stomping his feet and snorting, showing his excitement. “Tell you later.” He said, reaching down to give me a chaste kiss on the cheek before walking back over to the two men.

“We’re going for a breeze.” I told Samantha, noting her confusion and the glare she sent towards Brad. “It’s chilly and rainy out so make sure that you have the blankets ready back at the stall. These next couple of weeks this boy is going to get spoiled.”

We started off into the fog, me standing in the stirrups and trying to get a feeling for his rhythm today. He seemed to be in a particularly good mood and I took a deep breath of crisp air. I forced my muscles to relax and thoughts of Brad and everything else from my mind. And the fact that I’d been sick this morning.

“Easy, boy.” I called to him, reaching forward to pat his neck. “We need to warm up first. You know the rules.”

Pride was so much bigger than Wonder had been and his strides were marginally longer but they flowed the same. Riding them was like riding silk, so fabulously perfect that it made chills up your spine. Wonder had been a truly special horse and had made history with her accomplishments but Pride was no slacker either. I had a feeling that this weekend he would show himself to be a true champion, just like his mother before him. Maybe then things would settle down between Brad and everybody. Maybe then life would be what I wanted it to be. Maybe then everyone would just leave us alone and stop questioning my decision.

“Ready?” I yelled to him and of course he was. He flattened his ears and if I’d been standing in front of him I’d of seen the flat out determination that was within him. The part of him that made him pass over from good to great and it’d be his secret key to winning the Kentucky Derby. It was my job to guide him there.

I saw a flash of Samantha’s read hair, Brad’s blue eyes and the stern faces of the business men who were standing beside Charlie. I hunkered down lower and pushed Pride further. He rose up to meet me and he lowered his neck, rushing forward, the speed pouring out of him like liquid.

I felt my breath catch in my throat and a huge grin spread over my face as I rose in the stirrups because I knew we’d done it. We’d shown those snobby business men exactly what a fast racehorse looked like.

When I pulled up next to Brad his blue eyes were glittering. He hoisted me from the saddle and kissed my cheek. “Honey,” He said as Samantha led Pride away. “I’d like to introduce you to Keith Banks and his son, David Banks. They own Runaway Farms on the other side of Lexington. Keith, David, this is my wife, Ashleigh Griffen.”

“So nice to meet you.” I said, my cheeks red and glowing as I shook their hands.

“Ashleigh as in Ashleigh’s Wonder?” Keith Banks asked me.

“Yes.” I said, pulling my hand back and looking up at Brad. He smiled at me and pulled me a little bit closer and that’s when I knew he was up to something.

“You looked great out there.” David said to me. He was only a few years older than I was. He was what Caroline would of called “gorgeous” and Jennifer Marshalls would of fallen all over for. He had dark hair and striking green eyes, someone that I would of noticed but not paid any attention to even before I’d married Brad.

“Thank you.”

“Ashleigh, Mr. Banks and his son are actually here because they like the way that you ride. They’ve been a fan of your work for some time and they were wondering if you’d be willing to do some riding for them.” Brad said it all so fast that I barely registered any of it.

“Really?” I said, looking from Mr. Banks and his son to Brad. “I guess I haven’t really thought about riding for anyone other than Townsend Acres, I guess.”

“Well, think about it.” Mr. Banks said, handing me a business card with his number on it. “We’d love to get you up on a few of the horses.”

When they walked away, all that I could do was stare up at Brad. “Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” I asked him.

“They wanted to see you breeze a horse first. I figured that since Pride is the best we’ve got, we could use him.”

“I guess I just didn’t realize that I was now riding for other people.”

He looked away from me, frustrated. “I just don’t want to be the reason that you never went all the way with your jockey career. That you never really rode for anyone other than Townsend Acres. I thought that this is what you’d want.”

I couldn’t be mad at him. There really as no reason to be. I let out a breath and wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him close. “Brad, I think that we need to do some talking before I go ride for anyone else.”

“What do you mean?”

I felt frightened suddenly by the way that he’d stiffened in my arms and I had a sudden feeling that he wasn’t going to take this very well. “What you said last night scared me so I went out and I bought a pregnancy test last night.”

“And?” he said, raising his dark eye brows to look at me.

“We’re pregnant.” I whispered.

“Are you sure?”

“I bought three of them just in case the first two didn’t turn out right. All three of them turned up positive. We’re definitely having a baby.” My eyes welled up with tears as I stare up at him, terrified. “Say something please?”

But he didn’t. He just stare down at me, his face a mask that I couldn’t even begin to read.

[ash]

Chapter Five




“Hanging By A Moment”




Samantha was the one that told me that I needed a day spent away from the track. We got into the car and just drove. I didn’t know where we were going and neither did she. We looped around the track, and then out by all the old farm houses. We drove downtown and got lost in the busy intersections. We didn’t talk for a long time, the only sound was the radio and the sound of rain pattering against the windshield.

“So your pregnant.” She finally said after a long time of silence.

I noticed the way that my fingers clutched the steering wheel at her words. “Yup.” I said and went a little faster.

“With Brad Townsend’s kid.” She pulled her knee up to her chest and looked around some more.

“Yup.” I said again, turning onto a gravel road. Did I know where it was going? Nope. But I also didn’t know where my marriage was going.

“At least you married him before you got pregnant.” she said and I couldn’t help but laugh, a little nervously but a laugh, no less.

“I just can’t believe he didn’t say anything.” I said, running my fingers through my dark hair. “I mean, I tell him that we’re about to have a baby, that our lives are about to change drastically and he just stares at me.” I blew out a breath. “How can he say nothing?”

Samantha shrugged her shoulders, looking sympathetically at me. “I’m sorry, Ash. I don’t know either.”

“Oh, I’m sure that you and everyone else I just loving this. Let me guess, you all have some big, elaborate party to celebrate my failed marriage to Brad. Your going to all tell me that I should of gone back to Mike and I never should of let myself fall in love with Brad.” I could of kept going on, I almost did but she stopped me, her green eyes growing fierce.

“Why would we celebrate something that hurt you? We may not like Brad but we still love you and that means that we have to care about what happens to him, too. And your marriage isn’t failed yet.”

I blew out another breath and pulled over to the side of the road. “Thanks, Sam.” I said.

It wasn’t easy thinking about me and Brad as parents. My twenty-second birthday would be tomorrow and already I was married and pregnant and already I felt as if my whole world were falling down around me. I was just about to peak at my jockeying career and Brad and I were suppose to wait a couple of years before we had kids, not three weeks into our marriage.

I could just imagine my parent’s less-than-thrilled faces when I told them, Caroline’s horrified shriek over the phone, Clay Townsend’s dry shake of the head and Charlie’s disgusted sneer as he told me that “that Townsend kid” was going to destroy every dream that I had.

But I was his wife now and soon I’d be the mother of his baby. My loyalties were to him now.

*

He wasn’t there when I got back to the hotel. Samantha had taken me to see some brainless movie and then she’d made me spend some of Brad’s money on a ridiculously expensive bridal for Wonder. If I had been with Caroline, she would of made me spend my money on something for myself, clothes or jewelry but with Samantha it was stuff for the horses.

She’d walked me to the hotel room, kissed my cheek and told me that she was just down the hall if I needed anything at all. I slipped inside, almost cried when I saw he wasn’t there and went straight to the bathroom to take a relaxing shower.

I could feel the muscles in my shoulders and neck bunched up as I undressed. I stood in front of the mirror naked and examined my flat-stomach. I didn’t know how far along I was, I’d have to make an appointment for when I got back to Lexington. I tried to imagine myself growing larger, my pants and shirts no longer fitting, being unable to balance myself on a horse’s back. Not being able to race for the next couple of months. Of holding a little baby in my arms and being responsible for it for the rest of it’s life.

It just didn’t seem real to me.

I stepped inside the shower and felt immediately comforted by the hot spray that relaxed my muscles. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, the events of that day flashing before my eyes. I’d tried so hard not to cry all day long and so far I’d been successful but now I felt the watery waves splashing up against me and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sand much longer. I let myself sink to the bottom of the shower and curled up in a ball, letting my pain and hurt all pour out of me like a dam that had just broken.

I was angry with Brad for not being there for me. For not answering my phone calls, for not being here now so that we could talk about all of this. I needed him now more than ever and he was nowhere to be found. It hurt me in ways that I hadn’t thought possible. But now, here I was, broken in the bottom of some hotel shower.

I felt his arms around me then, lifting me up and wrapping me in a robe. He handed me a towel for my hair and then he walked into the next room, sitting on the bed and taking off his shoes. He was so practical about all of this, so logical but yet he hadn’t said a damn word to me about what he was feeling. “Where were you today?” I asked quietly as I tried to dry my hair with the towel.

“Ken and I spent the day in his office going over training schedules.” He said. He looked tired. If I wasn’t still so angry with him I might of given him a massage or done something to soothe him. But I was angry with him. And hurt. It was all becoming too much.

“When are we going to talk about this, Brad?” I asked, going through my suitcase and coming out with a warm pair of pajamas.

“Talk.” He said and just looked at me, as if I were holding the magic bag with all the answers. I just stare back at him, suddenly so insecure and unsure about it all. “If you want to talk, Ashleigh, then talk. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

He was standing in front of me now and I looked up into those blue eyes that I had fallen for not so long ago. “I want you to tell me that you love me and that your going to make sure that everything’s okay. That you’ve never been happier in your whole life and you can’t wait to have a child with me.”

“I can’t lie to you Ashleigh,” he said and it was that moment that I felt my heard crack, that I forgot my reasons for loving him. I put my head down and felt him brush past me, heading towards the shower. “I can’t lie to you.” he said again but in a whisper this time.

“You stop right there,” I growled, the anger in me that I’d been pushing down all day finally rising and rearing it’s ugly head. “I will not allow you to walk around and act like you’re the only one who was surprised by this, the only one who is scared by this. I didn’t plan this, Brad. Now, damn it, sit your ass down and we are going to talk about it.”

His eyes were heavy with anger when he looked back at me. “Not now.” He said back, his voice dangerously low. I watched as he turned away from me again and headed towards the bathroom door.

I grabbed his arm and turned him back towards me. His face was just inches from mine and I felt his body twitch with irritation. “I won’t allow you to be like this. You’ll tell me right now if you want this baby or not. You’ll tell me right this very second if you want a life with me. I’m not going to sit here and wonder anymore.”

He leaned forward and brushed his finger’s through my hair, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against mine. “I love you.” he finally said.

So it wasn’t the fairy-tale that everyone talked about it being when you found out about your first child. There wasn’t any balloons or a celebration and I knew there wouldn’t be with the rest of our family either. But he pulled me closer, resting his head on my shoulder and I laid mine on his chest, my body easily fitting together with his. So it wasn’t what I’d dreamed it would be but nothing had been with Brad. It had been more…so much more.

[ash]

Chapter Six





“Every Night is Another Story”





I’d always thought it was strange how fast Brad could change. How he could go from being sweet and the man that I fell in love with to the man that I’d spent the last several years hating. I stood with my arms wrapped around my chest next to Samantha as he stood in a group off in the corner of a room, with Lavinia staring adoringly into his eyes. I remembered the way that he had wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close last night. The way that we’d made love with a surprising tenderness. How he’d still been there in the morning and whispered to me that he loved me more than anything.

Today we’d gone shopping in Louisville , buying things for the baby. We’d already happily blurted the news and had heard hundreds of congratulations coming from all directions. I’d called my parents and told them and listened as my mother cried a little into the phone. She swore it was in happiness but for a second there I wondered. Brad had picked out a car seat, joking that he or she would need it for all the long trips we’d be taking to different race tracks. I’d picked out a few other things and we’d already decided on a crib that we were having shipped to Lexington.

“If you weren’t pregnant, I’d get you drunk just so you wouldn’t have to think about him for a few hours.” Samantha said to me as she took a sip of champagne. She’d be staying with me that night and I’d promised not to tell her father as long as she didn’t get too drunk. Morning came early and tomorrow was the Kentucky Derby, the biggest day we’d see for awhile. “Or maybe I’ll just go kick his ass and then you and I can get our own hotel room and laugh about how shocked he looked for a few hours.”

“I have enough on my mind. I don’t need to be thinking about another fight with my husband that was made worse when you went and chewed him out.” I rubbed the back of my neck, looked at him again and then promptly turned my back to him. Why did we always seem to be fighting now? Tomorrow would be our one month anniversary and he’d already threatened divorce. I closed my eyes wearily.

“Tor’s coming down tomorrow morning.” Samantha said cheerfully with another healthy gulp of wine. I opened my eyes to see her own bright green ones, staring back at me.

“What time?”

“He said he should be here by ten. I was kind of hoping he’d get here sooner but he promised to meet us at the track.” She surveyed the room and I could tell how much she missed him. In the past few days, she’d spent a fair amount of time on the phone with him. I’d even heard her call him her boyfriend to someone the other day. It’d made me smile and glance over at Brad, remembering the first time that I’d called him my boyfriend.


“Ashleigh, you did not just say that.” Samantha said, staring disbelieving at me. “Please, God, tell me you did not just say that so that I can just go on with my life and let everything be normal. Please, Ashleigh.”

I glanced up at her, my hazel eyes irritated before diving back into the tack case, looking for Pride’s hoof cleaner. “Samantha, not now.” I said and then, “Where the hell is it?”

“Just tell me you didn’t say that and then we’ll just move on with our lives. I’m sure that with enough concentration I get that awful image out of my head. Eventually. What are you looking for anyway?”

“Pride’s hoof cleaner.” I said through clenched teeth. “God, why can’t anyone just put something back where they found it?”

“You were the last to use it.”

“Shut up.” I growled. “And what’s it to you if Brad was my boyfriend, anyways? It’s my life.”

“Ashleigh, really.” She said, blowing her bangs out of her face and looking at me as if I were two. “I shouldn’t have to explain this one.”

“I mean, have you ever even given him a chance? He really is a great guy and I-” I paused for a second, placing my hands on my hips and realizing, for the first time, what I was about to say. “I like him. I really do.”

“Oh my God!” She bellowed. “You did not just say that. From day one here, you have always instructed me, very sternly to hate Brad Townsend with all that I am. That he was just a rich, arrogant, jerk who whined and cried till he got his way. You cannot like him. More than that, you cannot date him. I won’t accept it.”

“Samantha,” I said, trying to be patient with her as I bent down to shove things out of Pride’s tack chest once more. “Get over it. It’s not like I’m going to marry him or anything. I mean, let’s get real here. We’re just…” I paused again, smiling a little this time. “dating.”

She groaned as I held up Pride’s hoof cleaner triumphantly.

“I really need a drink.” I said.

She grabbed a Shirley Temple off a nearby tray and handed it to me. “No alcohol but it’ll have to do. It’ll be months before I can get you something stronger.”

“Thanks.” I muttered, taking a big drink. “God, why are men so frustrating? We didn’t have nearly as much drama while we were dating. We had fun while we were dating but the minute he put a ring on my finger he changed completely? Why should he be allowed to do that? I mean, I’m pregnant I have enough on my mind without him piling more on.”

“I know, sweetie.” Samantha repeated for what seemed to be the hundredth time. Funny, she didn’t seem to sound so sympathetic about it anymore. She sounded like one of those voice recordings. “Hey, look whose here.”

I glanced up to see Mike Reese making his way across the room. He was alone, dressed in an expensive tux. By the way that he kept tugging at the collar, I knew he was uncomfortable. He smiled when he saw me, a flash of white as he made his way across the room towards us. “You know,” Samantha said. “I see Jilly over there. I think I’ll go chat with her for a bit. If you don’t’ mind, of course.”

“Sam,” I said helplessly as Mike closed in.

“Hi, Mike.” she said. “Bye, Mike!”

“See you, Sammy.” He said and then to me, “Hi, Ashleigh.”

“Mike,” I said, forcing a smile as I turned my head to see Brad watching us. Perfect, I decided and then turned back to him. “It’s been awhile, how are you?”

He nodded, returning my smile with much more warmth than I’d offered him. “I’ve been all right. It’s been busy around the farm lately, getting ready for the Derby and all. How about you?”

“Great.” I answered. “I’m just waiting for things to settle down. We were so busy with the wedding and now it’s the Triple Crown. Hopefully after this, I can just relax a little.”

“You relax?” He said, raising his brow at me. “I was going to see if I could convince you to come over and ride a few horses for me.”

“Actually, tomorrow is going to be my last race for a little while.” When he looked at me with obvious confusion, I explained. “Brad and I are expecting a baby. I’m due in early November.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Congratulations, I guess.”

“I’m happy, Mike.” I said, meeting his eye.

“Are you, Ashleigh?” For a moment, his blue eyes were intertwined with my own hazel ones, and I took in the memories as they came. The ones of Mike and me, the man that had ultimately led me to Brad. “I’ve heard a lot of stuff about the two of you over the past little while. I never meant to hurt you and I guess I always regretted letting you go. I guess I just always assumed that we’d take a break and then we’d end up being together.”

“That’s why you brought someone else to my sisters wedding?”

“Ashleigh.” He said, closing his eyes briefly and running his finger through his blond hair.

“No, Mike, don’t. I really don’t want to hear it. It doesn’t matter to me what you say. I’m married now to Brad. You might not want to believe it but you better. I’m happy now. I’m in love and I can’t wait to be the mother of his child. Things aren’t always perfect over here but life isn’t meant to be perfect.”

He didn’t say anything when I walked away but I caught Brad’s eye and I saw his satisfied smile.

*

I guess looking back on all of it, It’ll always be just flashes here. Some last longer than others but in the end, they’re only flashes. Barely enough o piece anything together. It always seems to strange to me that three years of work just to lead up to a minute and a half race that’ll determine his place in history. I remembered watching Wonder race this race with Jilly on her back. How happy I was when she won that day.

I knew right away that something wasn’t right with Pride. Brad brushed it off, saying it was just nerves from both him and me because of all the pressure. He said horses were smart animals and Pride knew this was a big day. He’d settle down. But I knew this horse, I knew him just as well as myself. Something wasn’t right but I trusted Brad. I believed it was all going to be okay.

Until it wasn’t.

It started the way all races start. Those few, tense moments in the starting gate. Every noise seems exaggerated, ten times louder than it actually is. I took a deep breath, swallowing my nervous energy and forcing myself to be calm. “It’s all right boy.”

I’d been riding horses all my life and I should of known better than to allow Pride to race that day. He wasn’t moving the way he usually did, he was acting strange but everyone, including Charlie, had told me he was fine. I respected Charlie, more than anyone else, so I allowed Brad to boost me into the saddle, smiling down at him as he kissed me fingers and told me to take care of our baby out there.

I promised him that I would.

I wish I could tell you the exact moment that it all went wrong. The moment when fate turned against us and took away my whole world. But to me, it was all going fine. Pride was closing in on third and we were doing great. I could feel my excitement growing and I imagined telling my son or daughter that I won the Kentucky Derby on Wonder’s Pride while pregnant with them. I was so happy.

And then he fell.

[ash]

Chapter Seven



“The Worst Day Since Yesterday”





“You ignored me tonight.” I said to him, my skirts being held up in my anxious hands as I looked into his blue eyes which were doing their best to ignore me. I wouldn’t let him.

“I was just…busy. It’s not easy, you know, trying to be everything to everyone.” he said, pushing away from the cold glass wall in his bedroom and pacing his spacious room.

I felt as if a ton of bricks had been thrown on me because I felt that I already knew what was going to come next and surprisingly, even though it went against all the times that I told myself that he didn’t matter to me, it hurt more than anything I’d experiences so far. Somewhere in all of our fights, our stupid jokes, our late nights discussing anything that came into our heads, and every time he kissed me or held me or touched me, I’d fallen in love with him. Do you know what it’s like to fall in love with that one person you’ve tried so hard to stay away from? “Okay.” I said, backing away slowly, letting my skirts swish around me as I backed away from him. “I’ll just go…and then you won’t have to worry about it anymore.”

“Ashleigh.”

“No, Brad. Don’t. Please, just don’t. I can’t believe that I was so stupid as to believe that this might actually work between us. To let myself fall in love with you and believe that maybe, just maybe, you might love me, too. I realized these past couple of months what I want from life. That I do want a family and a house and kids running around in the yard and you know what? I wanted all of that with you but if you aren’t willing then I guess I’ll just go find it with someone else.”

“Ashleigh?”

“What?” I snapped, my hazel eyes showing my hurt and my frustration.

“Shut up.” He saw the way that my body tensed as he came closer to me, gently resting his hands on my shoulders. “I’m not letting you go. I love you.”

“Are you sure, Brad?” I said as tears leaked out of my cheeks. “Are you absolutely sure because if you can’t do this you need to tell me now so I can just move on with my life. I’ve lost someone that I loved before and I can do it again but just please…if you can’t, let me know now. Don’t make me your fool.”

He wrapped his arms around me and I leaned into him, wrapping my arms around me and I wrapped my arms around him. It was the night that he’d promised to marry me, slipping a diamond ring that took my breath away on my finger and kissing me so sweetly it made me ache. It was the night that I knew I’d never be the same without him and I vowed to do whatever it took to keep him.

When I awoke, it was the feeling of that night that was wrapping itself around me and I longed to hold onto it. To call Brad over and recount with him the memories of how we’d made love for the first time that night and how we’d excitedly gushed over breakfast the next morning of our engagement. But I saw him there, standing in the corner, looking as if he’d just lost his whole world. It was then that I remembered that something was wrong.

“Ash.” he said when he realized that I was awake and he was by my side in an instant. “I’ve been so worried.” he brushed his hands through my long, dark hair, kissing my forehead and then my lips. “Are you okay?”

“The baby, Brad.” I said, reaching to run my fingers over his face. “How’s the baby?”

I watched his face go ashen and I felt my own hopes of happiness crumble. “They don’t know yet. They wanted to wait till you woke up and then perform an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay.”

“How’s Pride?” As soon as I said the words I knew I shouldn’t have asked.

“We’ll talk about this later.” he said, his voice surprisingly gruff as the nurse walked in.

The next few minutes were the most intense of my life, waiting to find out of our baby was still with us or not. I held onto Brad’s hands with a death grip as the nurse applied to cool jelly to my stomach and then pressed the Doppler to my stomach. “We’ll see if we get a heartbeat.” She said with an encouraging smile.

I looked into Brad’s eyes, hoping with all of my hear that no matter what the results were, that we’d still have each other. That we’d get through whatever it was, holding onto the other one. He smiled a little at me, like he knew it was all going to be okay and that’s when we heard it. That swish, swish that was our baby’s heartbeat. I felt the hot tears stream down my face as I threw myself into his arms.

*

It wasn’t until later that I found out about Pride. Brad insisted that everyone stay away from my room until the next day when I’d had a chance for a good nights rest. He stayed with me the entire time, not leaving my room for more than a few minutes. He slept in the chair next to my bed and the next day when he finally allowed my mother into the room, I insisted that he at least go back to the hotel for a shower. He made my mother vow not to let anyone else in the room until he returned.

“I don’t know why he’s so uptight.” I said, reaching for her hands as she took the seat next to me. “Everything’s fine now.”

She smiled at me but her smile seemed sad. “Yes, honey.” She said softly. “Everything’s fine now.”

“I bet Sammy’s worried sick.” I said, smiling a little. “You did tell her that the baby’s fine, right?”

“Yes, we told her.” I saw the tears in her eyes and I mistook their meaning, thinking she was just worried about me, her youngest daughter. “Caroline and Justin flew down. They were watching the race on TV. I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been for them.”

I nodded, turning my face to look out the window. “I didn’t tell her I was pregnant.” I said.

“She was a little surprised when she found out.” She said, smiling a little.

Brad and his father, Clay, came in later, their expressions grave. Brad had changed into jeans a button-down shirt. He immediately took the chair next to my bed, folding my hands into his while Clay began. For the next few minutes I felt like I was watching from above, like it was all happening to everyone else. They explained to me that Pride had broken his leg and the extent of his other injuries. I listened in horrified silence, with tears streaming down my face.

“I think,” he said slowly. “as does the veterinarian, that it’d be kinder to put him to sleep.”

“To kill him?” I asked, choking out the words.

“Yes.” Clay said with difficulty. “I’m sorry, Ashleigh. It’s the only way I can see. He’s in a great deal of pain right now and there’s such a risk for infection and he’d have to go through a rather complicated surgery where the results are never sure.”

“There’s always hope, Clay.” I said, glancing at Brad and seeing his tired, worn face. “Don’t you remember how everyone told me that Wonder wouldn’t make it but I nursed her back to health. I can do it again for Pride. Just watch.”

“Ashleigh,” Brad said tiredly. He motioned toward my leg which was wrapped up in a cast, at the other bruises on my body. “let’s be realistic here. Your pregnant, you need to focus on getting better and taking care of our baby. You don’t have it in you to worry about Pride and look after him. It’s going to be a long, complicated, dangerous surgery.”

I looked away, hot tears streaming down my face. “I need some time to think about it.” I said quietly, pulling my hand from Brad’s, signaling that I needed to be alone.

I never really thought that I’d be faced with this situation. It’s not something that you think about, something that you ever imagine happening to yourself. To the ones you love, the things you pull close, just to make sure that they stay safe. I should of listened to what Pride was trying to tell me, I should of pulled him up and said that he just didn’t feel right to me. But I’d wanted to win the Derby so bad, I’d wanted everything to just be perfect, that I’d ignored him. I’d done the one thing that you can never do with a horse. And now I was going to lose him.

“Hi, Missy.” Charlie said, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his worn slacks. “I know they said you didn’t want any visitors and I had to fight tooth and nail to get in here but I figured you needed some help.”

I watched as he pulled up a chair, noticing that his movements were especially slow, he seemed more tired and older than usual. I folded my hands in my lap and felt the tears swell in my eyes. “I shouldn’t have taken him out, Charlie. I knew that he didn’t feel right but I did it anyways. For my own selfish reasons.”

“When I was about your age I was riding a horse named Blue Magic in this big stakes race. I was so excited, it was my first time really proving myself. I was young and I was stupid and I didn’t listen to my horse. He was trying to tell me that he didn’t want to go out but everyone was telling me he was fine, so I figured that they had to be right. They’d all been going at a hell’va lot longer than I had. That horse died that day and I never forgave myself.”

“Charlie.”

“No, Missy, shut up.” I saw his face tightened and his blue eyes sparkle like fire crackers. “We all make mistakes and we all look at the things and know we shouldn’t of done them or done them differently but it don’t matter now. I felt Pride over and over again, looking for all the little signs that would of told me if he wasn’t fit to race. The vet checked him over, Clay checked him over, Brad checked him over, Sammy was with him all morning. We all didn’t catch a thing. It was a big day for him and he knew it. I’m thinking that’s why he was so jumpy. It’s. Not. Your. Fault.”

“Do you think I should let them kill him, Charlie?” I was crying harder by now, my face streaked with tears. I felt so tired, so bone tired.

I’d known Charlie for nine years and never had I seen him look as sad as he did in that moment. We’d been through a lot together over the years and I trusted him more than I did anyone else. He’d give it to be straight, just like he always did. So maybe that’s why it hurt so bad this time when he wouldn’t answer me.

The only thing that he did was stare at me with tears in his eyes before silently exiting the room.

[ash]

Chapter Eight



“When It Isn’t Like It Should Be”




The hardest part wasn’t my broken leg or the cuts and bruises that I had on my body. It wasn’t the fact that I wouldn’t be riding or even driving for a little while yet. It wasn’t that the doctor had ordered me to stay indoors, doing next to nothing until we were sure that the baby was fine. It was the look on Samantha’s face when I told her about our decision to put Pride down.

I’d hobbled to the vet’s office on my crutches, Brad’s hands never too far away incase I lost my balance. Charlie and Clay ambled along beside us and Samantha…well she’d never left him at all. She was still sitting in a chair outside his stall, waiting for our decision. No one had told her what I’d decided and I almost wished they had. But I couldn’t take the cowards way out this time, I had to look her in the eye and tell her what I was doing. And then I’d have to live with it for the rest of my life. God, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d hurt this much.

“Right this way, Mrs. Townsend.” The veterinarian assistant said to me in the voice I was sure she used so many times to tell the owner that their horse was just fine, they could take them home tomorrow or the next day. But I wouldn’t be taking Pride home and I guess that’s why I was crying.

I’d been the first to see Pride when he was first born, I was actually in the stall, my face wet with happy tears. I’d seen him grow from a young foal to a gangly adolescent and then into a charming, powerful racehorse. I’d ridden him in his first race and groomed and bathed him a thousand times. I’d worried over him, fussed over him, trained him and I’d loved him so much I thought my heart would burst. He was sedated when I saw him and I saw that they’d done their best to make him comfortable.

I leaned into Brad, suddenly feeling weak in the knees. My proud, charming, gorgeous racehorse had been reduced to drugs and a laying in a stall, unable to move. Samantha looked up at me, her tears soaking her face. It was then that I started to cry to, the sobs gently shaking me as I pushed away from Brad and hobbled over to her. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I did everything I could.”

She wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my hair. “Don’t do it, Ash. He could get better. Don’t do it.”

I closed my eyes against the pain but it still found it’s way in somehow, tearing up my soul, leaving me in shattered pieces. I knew that I could believe her, I could give him another chance but she hadn’t seen Charlie cry, she hadn’t seen the tears in Clay’s eyes or Brad’s, she hadn’t heard the seriousness in the vets tone, the severity of the break. “I love you,” I whispered in her ear. “Know that.”

To explain the way that it hurt be when she pulled herself away from me wouldn’t be possible. The way that she looked at me, her green eyes burning holes into me, daring me to admit to her what I was about to do. I knew that long after Samantha and I fixed things between us, long after she forgave me, and I hoped she would, I would remember that look in her eye. She was looking at me as if she didn’t know me at all, as if I were a stranger to her and a cruel one at that. I took in a lot of things in that moment, the fact that we were losing Pride, that I’d almost lost my baby, that I never wanted to get on the back of another horse again, and that that would be the day that I would lose my very best friend.

“Forgive me.” I whispered. I knew she couldn’t but I prayed that someday, in her heart, she’d understand.



*



Samantha wouldn’t talk to me. Or more accurately, she stopped having anything to do with me or Townsend Acres. Charlie told me that she didn’t answer his calls anymore and when she saw him coming around at Whitebrook, she simply turned the other way. I worried about her constantly, looking out the windows of Townsend Acres, nursing my own grief. Brad was going to hire someone to take care of me until the doctor wasn’t so worried about my miscarrying but then Caroline came with her bags in hand, telling me that she’d be there as long as I needed her. I laughed dryly and told her that that might be for awhile.

“Here,” Caroline said to me, handing me a cup of tea. “Drink this. It’ll calm you down.”

“I wasn’t aware that I was worked up.” I said and took a sip, looking at her over the rim of the mug.

“You are.” She said, sliding into the seat next to me, her stomach bulging slightly through the material of her shirt. I’d almost forgotten about the baby that was inside her, the baby that would be my baby’s cousin. “Samantha is going to come around, honey.” She smoothed my hair slightly and it surprised me a little how easily Caroline, always the dramatic one, could slip into the role of comforter. Motherhood had become her.

“I miss him, too you know.” I said, taking a sip of tea and resting my dark head against the cushions of the couch. “She wasn’t the only one who loved him.”

Caroline, who know me so well, didn’t say anything, she just stroked my hair and let me talk. I hadn’t realized until now how much I hated that she lived in New York, that I only got to see her a few times a year. That it took something like this to get her to stick around for awhile. I hadn’t realized how much I missed my sister.

“She thinks it so easy for me to do this, that I didn’t for my own selfish reasons. That I didn’t want to have to focus on something else while I’m pregnant, maybe she even thinks that Brad put me up to this, but she didn’t see Charlie cry. She didn’t see the look on Brad and Clay’s faces when we all decided to put him down. She wasn’t there when we talked to the vet and she didn’t have to sit and wait to hear her baby’s heartbeat, wondering if it would be there or not.”

“Sshh.” Carline said, pulling me closer. “Don’t cry, honey. It’s all going to be okay. She’s going to be just fine, all she needs is time.”

I was so numb that I hadn’t even realized that I was crying.

*

“Babe?” Brad said when he entered the house. Caroline had headed over to our parent’s place for a couple of hours and I was now seated on the couch, reading a magazine. “Oh, is that the new Daily Racing Forum?” He asked me. “I’ve been dying for that one to come out.”

When I held up the magazine to show him that it was not the Daily Racing Forum but one on decorating, he didn’t try to mask his surprise. “What’s the matter?”

“Do you really have to ask me that?” I asked him, raising my eyebrows.

He sighed as he sat next to me, raking his fingers through his hair. “How many times do I have to tell you that this wasn’t your fault? We all checked Pride over and we all thought he was fine.”

I felt the angry tears rising in my throat again and I was determined to ward them off this time. I was tired of giving into them, tired of showing everyone my wounds. I just wanted to move on with my life and if that meant I couldn’t so much as look at a horse, then so be it. “I’m tired of talking about.” I said, pushing my hair over my shoulders and attempting to smile at him. “Let’s talk about something else, okay?”

“Okay,” He said, squeezing my hand and smiling back at me, apparently oh-so-pleased that I was willing to go along. “I talked to Dad today and he’s still excited for the Preakness. We’re thinking that Maiden Glory might have a really good chance at it. If we get the right jockey on him, we’re thinking Jilly, we could have a great horse.”

I closed my eyes and pushed myself off the couch. “I said I wanted to talk about something else.”

“We are.” He said, standing and grabbing my arm. “Wait, stop. What’s going on with you? You love horses and I assumed you’d be excited about this.”

“It hurts, Brad.” I said, staring at his fingers pressing into my arm until he let go. “It hurts to talk about it, it even hurts to breathe. How am I suppose to go out to the barns and go about my business, acting as if it’s all okay?”

“I know it’s not okay, Ash.” He said, massaging my shoulders gently. “Just give it time and it will be okay. You can’t give up everything you ever dreamed about just because something goes wrong. Accidents happen.”

“I just-” I stopped for a minute, looking around the spacious dining room. It had been nearly a week since Pride’s death and so far I hadn’t gone done to the stables once, I hadn’t bothered to watch morning work outs, using the excuse that I was too tired or worried about the baby but it wasn’t true. None of it was. When Pride died, there was apart of me that had died, too. The part that lived for that minute and a half that I was flying down the racetrack, who loved to spend hours grooming and fawning over them. I wasn’t the girl that I used to be. “can’t do this anymore.”

“Excuse me?” He said, stepping back and staring at me as if he didn’t know me at all. I wondered if he was right.

“I’m not going to mess with them anymore. I’m done riding, I’m done training, I’m done going out there. You can handle all of that, I won’t deal with it anymore.” I started to walk away, my magazine in my hand but he stopped me, his hand brushing across the material of my shirt.

“Wait just a damn minute,” he said and I wondered why he had to be so angry with me. Why he couldn’t just step back and accept my decision. It hadn’t been easy for me but it sure as hell was easier than walking past that stall everyday, the memories following me every place that I went. “Your trying to tell me that after working with horses for the past twenty-two years of your life, your just going to walk away because of one horse?”

“It wasn’t just one horse, Brad!” I said and this time I couldn’t hold back the tears. I gave into them and I enjoyed letting those the hurt and angry and frightening fury that was held within me. “It’s everything! You have no idea the hell that I have put myself through for them. You just don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand?” He jabbed his finger at his chest, the veins in his neck standing out and his face reddening. “Just who do you think your talking to? I’ve almost broken my back working to get this farm where it is, making sure everything is running smoothly. You have no idea the pressure that I go through every day.”

“It’s not about the damn pressure, Brad!” I shouted. “It’s about the heartache that happens when you put every thing you have into a horse, your money, your time, your sweat, your blood but most importantly your heart. You do not know what it’s like when it becomes more than business and it becomes personal. You’ve never lost a damn thing in your life!” There. I’d finally said it. It was laid out for all the world to see, my angry, bitter heart exposed.

“Haven’t I?” he said, his voice dangerously low. “My mother walked out on me when I was twelve years old, not too long after you walked into this farm, thinking you were the only one with problems. You think my father’s such a freaking great guy but you don’t know how many times I sat around waiting for him to come home, waiting for what felt like forever only to find out he wasn’t coming. You weren’t there when I had to make the decision to put Prince down. That horse was my best friend but you didn’t see the tears that I cried, no one did. You think you have me so figured out but you don’t. You don’t know a damn thing.”

I felt numb right down to my toes. I felt drained of the pain and the frustration and the agonizing over every second of that race. “I’m sorry, Brad. I just can’t.”

“You can’t have both sides, Ash.” Brad said when I started to walk away. His hands were shoved into his khaki pants and the blue of his shirt made his eyes appear to be glowing. Or maybe that was the unshed tears. The tears I’d never seen him cry. “You can’t have a life without horses and a life with me. It doesn’t work that way. Not with us. If you run away from the horses then you mine as well run away altogether.”

“What if I did?”

“Runaway?”

I nodded.

He bowed his head and I thought I heard him chuckle a little under his breath but when he looked up I saw the pain in his eyes and that’s when I knew that everything would change for us forever. “Then there wouldn’t be a thing I could do except wait for you to come back.”

Three hours later I had my bags packed and reservations at a hotel until my flight left the next morning. Brad didn’t say anything.

[ash]

Chapter Nine



“Pictures of You”




“Maybe it’s better this way.” I said, my arms folded across my chest before I turned around to look at Caroline who was putting my clothes away, neatly hanging them on hangers with her pregnant belly pulling at the material of her shirt. My leg was still in it’s cast and I felt so awkward with it and I was glad that it would be gone by the time that I started to show.

“How could it be better this way? Your in New York while your husband is in Kentucky. Pride is dead. Samantha isn’t speaking to you. Charlie is heartbroken without you around. Mom and Dad are worried sick and you and I are both pregnant.” It was hot. She was cranky. I understood…partially.

“I was trying to be positive.” I said.

“Oh.”

Silence.

“I mean, maybe it’s better that Brad and I are kind of taking a break. Maybe we just needed this time apart so that we could both find out who we want to be. Maybe this will make us stronger and maybe a few weeks to ourselves is just what we need.”

“You’ve been here a week, Ash. I’ve let you live out of your suitcase for a week before I couldn’t take it anymore and I started washing your clothes. You refuse to answer his phone calls, or anyone’s for that matter. You aren’t getting any better. How could this be for the best?”

“I have to think of it that way, Caro. I’m not ready to go back to him yet and the life that I live there. I can’t get back to my life with horses yet and Brad won’t take me until I can or until I will.”

“Will you ever?” She asked me, her voice quiet. Her blond hair was curling from the humidity and her blue eyes showed concern and exhaustion. The baby was taking a lot out of her. Worrying about her sister was taking even more.

“I don’t know.” I whispered.

“This coming from the girl that used to live and breathe horses. When Mom and Dad would let you, you would literally stay with them from the time you woke up in the morning till it was time to go to bed at night. When Wonder was first born, it was impossible to get you from that stall and when Black Night was sick, Mom just started bringing your meals to his stall. And now, one horse dies and you are ready to throw away everything that you’ve worked so hard for. It doesn’t make sense, Ash.”

“To you it wouldn’t.”

“No one else seems to get it either.” She ran her fingers over her swollen belly, staring at me the way that she used to when we were fighting when we were younger over things like whose dirty sock that was on the floor, whose turn it was to do dishes, her yelling at me to put the saddle back in the barn. But now we could really fight. She could tell me that I was being an inconsiderate brat and she’d be right but I wouldn’t admit that. She could kick me out of her house and leave me to fend for myself and she’d have every right to. But I needed her right now. I needed her.

“It’s one more horse. It’s one more thing that I’ve lost. I could’ve lost this baby during that race. I almost did. I broke my leg and I lost Wonder’s first baby. I let her down during that race because I didn’t take care of her son.”

“Is that what this is all about? You not taking care of Pride? They’ve gone over every second of that race, Ash. There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

“He didn’t feel right.” And God it was happening again. The hot wave of tears that was threatening me. The constant wonder and worry The ache-inside pain of losing Pride. Samantha. Charlie. Brad. Of losing the girl that I used to be.

Caroline handed me my cell phone. “Call him.”

It took me an hour of staring at a picture of me and him taken just a couple of weeks ago, fifteen minutes of hobbling around the room, looking out the window, and five minutes of dialing before I finally called him. Was it really suppose to be this hard to call your husband?

“Hello?”

It was him. I could hear his deep voice through the line, the way that his breaths came in and out so evenly. He sounded distracted and I realized he’d probably forgotten to look at the Caller ID. He had no idea that it was me. “Hi, Brad.” I said quietly into the phone and I heard the deep intake of breath, the sharp pain penetrating itself through the line and stabbing into my heart. He missed me. I knew it. I could feel it through all of the miles. I missed him, too.

“You actually called me back for once. I’m shocked.” He said dryly and I closed my eyes. I deserved that. Sharp, cunning remarks that would hurt me were exactly what I deserved. They were as cold as my silence, as sharply plunged as every time that I saw it was him and refused to answer my phone. Every time I deprived him of his peace of mind and handed him pain and loneliness in my wake.

“Yeah, I wasn’t really sure what to say to you.”

“How about ‘hi’ for starters. Or ‘I got to New York safely’. I think we could’ve gone from there.” He said and it was the white-hot anger that I hadn’t been prepared for and caught me by total surprise as it came shooting through the phone line. Hurt, confusion, disappointment, wonder, pain were all things that I had pictured. This unbridled fury should’ve been the first thing I’d thought of but for some reason it hadn’t.

“I just,’ I paused for a second, seating myself in the window, staring out at the busy New York traffic that I had always hated. “don’t know what to do anymore, Brad.”

“Come home.” he said and these two words for whatever reason shocked me far more than his bubbling, bursting anger. I had known that my leaving would hurt him but he was Brad Townsend, all-powerful man. I hadn’t ever really thought that I could break him.

I guess you could say that this was the moment that it all changed. That this was the moment where I signed the slip that would forever change my life. You could say that I was the one who was wrong, that I should’ve just listened to him. That you don’t just walk out on someone you love because your conflicted. You’d be right. I was wrong but that won’t ever change what I did.

“I can’t right now, Brad.”

I never got to hear what he had to say. I clicked the end button and buried my face in my hands while my broken heart leaked out into my fingers in the form of tears.

*

[ash]

Chapter Ten


“Might As Well Be Strangers”



If you wanted the honest truth, this was it. I missed him. I missed him every night, every day, every minute. I went to bed alone, I pulled those blankets up to my chin and proceeded to spend the rest of the night thinking about him. I fell asleep with an ache so deep that I wondered if I’d find the strength to get up in the morning again. I woke up and that ache was still there, my eyes felt scratchy and I swore that I got no sleep at all. I guess that was the thing, I always woke up.

God, I know this sounds horrible. There I was, almost four months pregnant, and my heart was broken so bad I was seriously questioning my will to live. How horrible of a mother did that make me? But maybe that was the only thing that kept me hanging on, the thought of that child, Brad’s, mine, sleeping between my hips, needing me. It was my own choice but it was all that I had left of him. He didn’t answer my calls anymore.

So, since I was so miserable, your probably wondering why I didn’t go back to him. The answer is, I did. I went back to him right after I got the cast off my leg. I was showing by then, not much but there was a little bump. It had been awhile but we were married. I hadn’t really thought it would matter if I’d been away for awhile.

I bought a plane ticket, Caroline drove me, proudly, to the airport. I smiled at her, waved, and honestly believed as I stepped onto that plane that I could put everything behind me. I believed that I could go home to him, that he would take me back, and we would heal each other. My absence from him had hurt both of us, had made me aware of how much I depended on him. I was so certain, getting on that plane. I was such a fool.

Anyone who knows Brad Townsend, would have told me I was a fool. They would of shook their heads, laughed a little, and said I’d be lucky if he let me come back to him at all. Caroline told me that. Justin told me that. My own mother, haltingly, had uttered the same words to me. “Ashleigh,” She’d said, her voice going very quiet, breaking slightly. “I just don’t know what to tell you. Brad’s such an unpredictable man.”

“I love him.” I’d told her. And I did.

I went to Townsend Acres first. It was a Friday night, around ten or so. I walked into the farmyard and went straight to the barns. I saw Charlie and Samantha sitting on one of the benches, watching the sun go down, talking quietly. Something about racing. I took a deep breath, looking around. It had been the first time I’d been to the barns since Pride. I wondered if Samantha still hated me.

She didn’t say anything when she saw me, she just seemed sort of stunned. “Do you guys know where Brad is?” That’s how excited I was. I was in that kind of love that couldn’t wait one more minute. It had to have right now. It had been a month since I’d been here. I was four months pregnant and I knew they could see the little bump around my stomach, pressing through my shirt just a little. Brad would be so surprised.

Samantha sat there, stone-faced, while Charlie appraised me with those fire-cracker blue eyes. “Party over at Henderson’s. Should still be going. Maybe you can catch him there.”

Looking back, I had to wonder if Charlie knew what I would find once I went there. But I couldn’t think that Charlie would have let me go with no warning if he knew what I’d find. But then, Charlie was always telling me that Brad would break my heart. Maybe he wanted me to find out for myself. “Thanks!” I said. I knew that I should of stayed longer, talked, caught up on things. I should have sat Samantha down and finally talked to her about all of this. It was the middle of June, six weeks after Pride’s death. We should have been able to talk about this by now. But I was so hurried, so excited, that I didn’t.

I got the Lexus that Brad had bought me for a wedding gift from the garage and started down the highway. I knew were Henderson’s was. It was only a couple of miles. My heart raced with anticipation, wonder, happiness. I’d get him back. I would.

But there are side courses in life, sudden obstacles, cliffs that appear out of nowhere and then your running and your jumping and then your falling with no one to catch you. I expected Brad to be there. To catch me, I mean. But instead I was forced to look into that snide smile and fight the tears that threatened me. Of course Brad Townsend didn’t love me.

It was just a glimpse at first. It was flash of blond hair, a flash of his smile. I didn’t even think upon first seeing them that they were even together. It didn’t even register but then, there it was. There they were. Holding hands, smiling. Brad leaned forward to whisper something in Lavinia’s ear and she laughed. She laughed. It tore me up. He rested his fingers lightly on her waist and I couldn’t believe the sight I was seeing.

My husband, the man I had been so ready to give my life to again, standing there, looking so happy and in love with Lavinia Hotchkiss-Ross.

I left the car there. I had my mother bring me the one that I’d driven up until Brad had given me the Lexus. It was a nice black Stratus and I slid my things in the trunk and the backseat. My mother said words but I couldn’t tell you now what they are. She just stood there with this look on her face that said “Look at what he’s done to you.” But in reality, it was my fault. I’d pushed him away and was heartbroken when he went to someone else for what I wouldn’t give him. Time. Attention. And yes, the physical part of the relationship that had always come so easily to us.

I knew that Charlie and Samantha wouldn’t tell him that I’d been there. They wouldn’t say anything at all. He would never know that I had been there at all. He would think that I just kept going with my life, not caring enough to go back to him. He could think that. That was fine.

*

I don’t know why I settled on Carly, Virginia. I drove straight out of Kentucky into Virginia. Then I drove all the way through Virginia. I guess I settled on Carly because it was as far as I could go. The ocean stopped me. For awhile I thought about finding another airport and flying all the way across that ocean just to be as far away from him as I possibly could. Maybe then my pain would go away, maybe then I wouldn’t see his face everywhere I went.

I got a hotel room and grabbed my necessities and sat on the bed. It was an old room, a little dingy but clean enough. I decided that this is where I would live now. I would go and see if I could find an apartment or a small house to rent. I would raise my baby here and I’d never leave this little town, with these simple people, and the ocean that called out to me. That told me, somehow, that it understood my pain. It could cover it’s width and go way down into it’s depth. The ocean understood.

“So that kiss didn’t mean anything, right?” I said to Brad the day after our romp in the parking lot. I had a skull-splitting headache and had spent the majority of the morning with the porcelain God also known as the toilet. And sitting on my bed wondering just what Brad Townsend thought of me The Morning After.

Brad reached up for a lead shank and flung opened the stall door, glancing at me as he reached for Chasing You’s halter. “You feel guilty.” he said to me, snide smile on his face. But the smile wasn’t entirely mean so I let it go.

“I was drunk. You took advantage of me. You’re the one who should be feeling guilty.” I wrung my hands together some more, studying him in a way that I never had before. He really was good-looking with that dark hair and those penetrating blue eyes. He was built really well, lanky with all those muscles. I remembered the way that his hands had felt on me the night before, hot in my skin and pulling me closer. I shivered and not necessarily the bad kind. You could say, quite fairly, that that’s when I knew I was in trouble. I should have ran then, a hundred-no a thousand-miles in the opposite direction. But he was a challenge so I went for it.

“Why don’t we,” he paused as he waited for me to reach his side, barely avoiding Chase’s dancing hooves. ‘do something crazy.”

“Crazy?” I asked, feeling a nervousness in my stomach. “Like what?”

“I bet that I can make you fall in love with me in a month.”

“Brad, that’s crazy. There’s no way in hell I would ever-”

“Prove it.” He said and then he leaned in to kiss me again.

He had me in twelve days.

But now here I was. In a lonely hotel room, all by myself. I was pregnant, I was too embarrassed and ashamed to call my family, and there he was with her. Dancing.

*

It didn’t take me that long, really, to get back on my feet. Before the week was out I’d already made an appointment for a guy to show me this little house on the beach that I was thinking about renting. I’d filled out a few job applications and gotten a call back from a gas station who was looking for a morning and afternoon clerk. It seemed easy enough, the pay was crap but money wasn’t an issue for me. And the best part was, I could pick up and leave anytime I wanted.

I pulled up in my Stratus and immediately wasn’t impressed with the house’s exterior. It was an ugly shade of green. Almost a puke-your-guts-out-after-eating-pea-soup green. And the paint was peeling. But the inside is what got me. That and the fact that I was growing increasingly sick of living in a hotel.

There was a man standing outside, leaning up against a Silverado pick up. There was nothing striking about him, I saw flashes of red hair underneath his hat and his eyes were almost an aqua blue. His hands were weathered as if he spent long hours working on equipment. His shoulders were broad and well-muscled and his smile was friendly when he said hello. “Aiden Stahl.”

“Ashleigh Griffen.” I said, smiling and shaking his hand. “So your renting this place out?”

“Yeah,” he said, his gaze catching on my face before moving back to the house. “I bought it a couple of years ago. It’s been a great house for me but I don’t spend too much time in the area anymore, mostly just summers so I figure I might as well rent it out to someone who will be here more than me.”

I nodded, studying him, then looking back to house.

“I can see that the outside needs some work. I’ve hired some people to come by and do some painting, starting next week. But the inside is what always gets people. I replaced all the carpets with hardwood floors and everything has been recently put in. It’s got two bedrooms and one bath.” He stopped talking, a slight smile coming across his face, almost embarrassed. “Here, why don’t I show you?”

I smiled and laughed a little and followed him into the house. There was a little entryway, barely big enough to fit a chest that I could put some shoes in and the two of us. He smiled at me again as I followed him up the two stairs that had taken us into the kitchen. Oak wood floors. That’s all that I could think as I looked around. I remembered all of the furniture that I had put in storage after getting rid of my apartment in Lexington. I could see that deep brown couch that I had bought going up against that wall so I could sit and look out the window and see the ocean. There was a small deck connected to the house with steps that led out into the sand.

It was small, only one floor but I couldn’t help it.

I fell in love with that, too.

[ash]

Chapter Eleven


“First Day on a Brand New Planet”


Gas stations. Oh My God.

Day One: Hot Stuff is a bitch. Seriously. This was the first job that I got paid by an hourly wage and a very small one at that. And I spent it making pizzas. Lots of them. Sixty to go in the little cooler, waiting to be cooked and put out. Ten big ones and enough bread sticks, chicken burgers, jalapeño poppers, popcorn chicken and various other Hot Stuff things to feed the world.

I worked with a blond haired girl named Vicki. She was young, younger than me by at least two years. She had that bubblegum affect, real air headed and spent her days reading Cosmo and Seventeen. I could have cried.

But this was the new me; the one who struck out, got a job, got a place of her own, far, far away from Kentucky. This was the me that stuck her wedding ring in a pocket in her purse and never showed it to anyone but took it out everyday just to look at it. Just to remember.

My parents sent me my furniture. The asked to come and see me, to make sure that I was okay but I told them no. I told them that I would let them come when I was settled in and I heard my mother’s shaky breath as she said okay, that was fine. But I knew what she was thinking. Look at what he’s done to you.

It turned out that Aiden was a regular customer at Cenex. He came in in the mornings to get coffee and the newspaper. The first morning I saw him first and tried to hide a little, staying more towards the back and hoping he wouldn’t recognize me. But he saw me, easily, in my navy blue Cenex shirt and my dark hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. “Ashleigh?” He said, taking a sip of his coffee as he walked over. “I didn’t know you worked here.”

“Um, yeah.” I said, trying to smile but I was really just embarrassed. “Just started, actually. Just trying to get acquainted with the area. You know how it is.”

“Yeah,” He said slowly, never taking his eyes off of me. “I certainly do.”

We stood there for about another thirty seconds before Vicki said, “Um, sir, are you going to pay?”

“Oh yeah,” He said. “Sorry.” I watched him pull a five out of his wallet and hand it to her before going back to making pizzas; breakfast pizzas this time. “I’ll see you around, Ashleigh.” I heard him say and I turned to smile at him but he was already gone.

There’s an art to making pizzas. I was learning this fairly quickly. You had to make sure you pressed the dough just right so that it was soft and willing to work with you. It seemed like I spent hours docking the dough and spreading the sauce, making sure I didn’t put on too much. I’d add the cheese and the pepperoni and I’d sprinkle on onions or green peppers or mushrooms or whatever it was that they wanted. I’d get lost in this. I’d focus so hard on this, even as I was hating it, just so that I wouldn’t remember my old life. Just so I wouldn’t think of early morning work outs, my breath coming out in quick gasps as I balanced myself over the horse’s shoulders. Just so I wouldn’t remember Sammy’s laugh or Charlie’s blue eyes. Just so I would never think of Brad.

If I kept busy enough, I could usually block out those thoughts. I went to bed early and slept as late as I could. I made sure that I had to rush to get ready for work. I stayed later than I had to and then I’d shop for a few things for dinner. I’d make dinner and make sure my house was spotless. And at night I walked.

The beach was long and I never figured out how far it went but every night, after all of my cleaning was done and when I couldn’t sit in that silent, empty house another minute I grabbed shorts and a t-shirt, put aside the shoes and walked along the ocean.

It was on one of these nights that I first felt my baby kick. It was getting late, somewhere around ten and I was just realizing that I should be heading back soon. I must have walked two miles in just that night. I wasn’t really tired as I walked slowly down the beach, watching as the moon fell across the water. And then there it was. A little kick, a prick of life that made me stop and press my fingers to it.

I closed my eyes as I stood there, waiting for it to come again. I was five months pregnant, twenty-one weeks along. My baby pressed it’s feet against my stomach and kicked and kicked and kicked. And I just sat there, feeling it, feeling for once that I wasn’t alone. For once I had something to hold on to, something to look forward to.

But that’s when I missed him. Brad, that is. That’s when I wished he was there. And I wondered where he was, who he was with, who he was loving tonight. I wondered if it was me. If somehow, it could still be me.

*

It was early on a Saturday morning when Aiden pounded on my door, waking me from my deep sleep. I came to the door a little grumpy and when I saw him standing there with a smile on his face I just stared at him. “Oh, I didn’t wake you did I?” He asked and stopped smiling. His face was concerned and it made me laugh a little.

“Want coffee?” I asked him as I opened the door a little bit further to let him in.

“Love some.” He said and paused to look around. “Wow, I really like what you’ve done with the place. It never looked this good when I had it.”

With my newfound lifestyle, I was finding I had lots of time for things such as decorating. I was also finding that outside of horses, I’d never had any sort of life. At night, there was nothing, except walking, to occupy my mind. I spent all of my time cleaning, the beach, rearranging, or reading What To Expect When Your Expecting. Now that was exciting.

“Thanks,” I said, grabbing a mug from the cupboard. “I’ve had a lot of time on my hands lately.”

“What made you decide on Carly?”

“I couldn’t go any further.” I poured the steaming coffee into the mug. “Cream or sugar?”

“Neither.” He said, taking the coffee for me. “Aren’t you having any?”

“Caffeine is bad for the baby. I’ll stick with tea.” I put on some water to boil and then crossed my arms across my chest to study him.

“What do you mean by ’you couldn’t go any further’?” He asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

“I literally couldn’t go any further. Unless I wanted to find a ship and sail across the ocean.”

He chuckled. “Some days that doesn’t sound half bad.”

“Make that most days.” I said and grabbed the tea just to keep myself busy. “Are you doing house inspections or something? Is that why you’re here?”

“God, no.” He said and laughed. “I actually came to see if you wanted to come sailing with me. Maybe get a bite to eat or something first. Unless you wanted to cook.” He said, a twinkle developing in his aqua-blue eyes. They were different then Brad’s dark, brooding ones.

“I don’t cook.” I said gravely.

“As in you can’t?”

“As in if it doesn’t come in a box with very simple instructions, I can’t do it. And even then it’s risky.” I heard my kettle whistle and turned off the burner, pouring the water in a mug and adding the tea bag.

“Take a cooking class with me.” He said and this was the moment that I knew Aiden Stahl was, in fact, crazy. When he saw my expression he set his coffee cup down. “Come on. They’re offering one up at the Senior Center. I think it’s on Thursdays. Monday is pottery, Tuesday is writing, Wednesday is photography, and Thursday is cooking.”

“What’s Friday?“ I asked, glancing at him.

He blinked. “There isn’t a glass on Friday. It’s Friday.”

“Mmm,” I said, biting back a small smile. “I still say no.”

“Think about it?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Maybe, if you’ll shut up.”

“I promise. I will not only shut up but I will take you to breakfast and out sailing.”

Damn, he was persistent, I thought. “I don’t want breakfast and as I am five months pregnant and still very likely to get sick, I don’t want sailing either. Do you understand what the word ‘no’ means?”

He laughed again, smiling at me. “Do you ever do anything?” He asked me.

“No.” I answered.

*

Aiden ended up stopping by daily. For awhile it was just “checking up on how the guys were doing on painting the house” since I kept refusing him for dates. Then he started bringing over cook books and one entitled Cooking For Dummies. In them, he had starred recipes that he liked best. He’d drop reminders of that cooking class until one night he just came out and asked me. “Why won’t you go out with me?”

I’d been wiping off the counters and I just froze. “Because I’m married.”

I heard his sharp intake of breath and it didn’t really surprise me. I’d known all along what his intentions were with me and that was exactly why I hadn’t agreed to anything with him. “Where,” he cleared his throat. “is your husband?”

I turned to face him, placing one hand on my swelling stomach, feeling a light little kick. I was six months pregnant. I hadn’t talked to Brad in just under three months. I was sure that if he knew where to find me, he would have sent me the divorce papers by now. So maybe that’s why I stayed hidden, locked away, so I could still pretend that there was still the chance that we would work things out. “In Kentucky.”

He waited for me to continue. Somehow he knew that I would, even when I wasn’t so sure.

“There was an accident and it changed everything about me. It made me question everything that I was, who I am, so I ran away. He gave me an ultimatum and I couldn’t handle it so I left. I’m six months pregnant and I haven’t talked to my husband in three months. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not married and that doesn’t mean that I can start something with you. Even if I could, I wouldn’t be ready. I’m not at a very good place right now.”

I don’t know what he would have said, I never found out because it was then that it was my cell phone rang. “Hello?” I said, grateful for the distraction.

“Ashleigh?” The voice on the other line was out of breath and heartbreakingly sad. “It’s Sammy.”

“Sammy?” I said and felt like a ton of bricks hit me.

“You have to come home. It’s Charlie.”

*

[ash]

Chapter Twelve


“The Runaway Found”



Whenever I thought of Charlie, I remembered him the way that he was on the day of my first race. I’d been a nervous wreck all day but trying to act like I wasn’t. I kept trying to take deep breaths to calm myself and every time I looked at Charlie he was staring at me with those blue eyes of his. I tried to read his expression but I never could. I’d look at him and say, “What?” and he’d just shake his head and walk away and I was seriously convinced that he didn’t think I could do it. That he thought I was going to go out there and fail because I wasn’t meant to be a jockey.

But when I asked him about it, he looked me in the eye and said, “I’m just thinking about how great your going to be. Take in every moment out there like it’s your last because there will come a day when you won’t have it anymore and you’ll want all of it back.” he took a deep breath and took off his gray cap, ran his fingers through his hair before putting it back on his head. “You’ve got a great future ahead of you, kid. Don’t let nothing stand in the way of it.”

I remember standing there, with tears in my eyes, watching him walk away. Charlie was the reason that I was able to go out there that day and have confidence in myself. And then the day that Wonder and I won the Breeders Cup Classic, the way that he was staring up at me as we rode into the Winners Circle. I love that old man. That was all that I could think as I walked in that hospital room, staring at his motionless body. “Charlie,” I whispered, tears filling my eyes.

I was surprised when he answered me, turning those blue eyes on me. But they were tired now, old. “Hey, Missy.” He said and for a second I thought I saw tears in his eyes but he blinked and they were gone. “Finally come home?”

“For now.” I said, easing myself into the chair by his bed. “Couldn’t stay away too much longer.” I wanted to reach for his hand but I knew what he would do. Shake me off and tell me to quit babying him, that he was fine.

“Don’t tell me you came all this way for me because I’m fine. My heart’s just givin me a little bit of trouble but we’re getting all of that straightened out.” he wiggled in the bed, winced, but he kept on going till he was sitting up further. I resisted the urge to reach for him, soothe him, because it would only aggravate him.

“Charlie, you scared the hell out of all of us. I couldn’t not come home.” I could feel the tears pressing hot against my eye lids, threatening me.

“You damn women, worrying all the time. Sammy and Jilly have been like two mother hens, coming in here all the top, fixin my sheets and movin my water glass closer to me like I can’t reach for it myself.” His face was getting all red but I could tell that he had to really work at it. He loved all the fuss that was being put over him, he’d be insulted if it didn’t happen.

Nothing was said for a minute and then Charlie said, “So, what the hell you doin out there anyway?”

“In Carly?” I asked, standing up and walking towards the window, staring at the busy traffic below. I wondered where Brad was and then hating myself for it.

“Is that where you been?” He was wiggling in bed again and I turned to look at him.

“Yeah, Virginia is beautiful, you know.”

“So’s Kentucky.”
I sighed. “What? Is this what everyone is going to say to me? Charlie, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go out there anymore and risk losing them again. I can’t go and fall in love and mess up so that they die. I loved Pride, I loved all of them and look what I have to show for it!”

“You have Wonder, you have all the rest of her babies. You have Fleet Goddess and her babies. You have Samantha and Jilly and all of the people that racing gave you. Ashleigh, you gained just as much as you lost.”

“Samantha won’t speak to me, Charlie. She hates me. Everyone here thinks I’m a coward for running away like I did.”

“Because you are!” Charlie bellowed out and I watched as he paused for a second to collect himself. “Damn it, Ashleigh. When was the last time you even tried with Sammy? When was the last time you called your parents or Jilly or hell, when was the last time you called me? Your leavin hurt everyone every bit as much as losing Pride did and more. You think that your blowing out of here was good for us? You think that we didn’t wish you were back?”

“Charlie.”

“No, goddamn it, listen to me you spoiled little brat. I have watched you over the years and I’ve been so proud of you. Even when you married that Townsend kid because you were following your heart. You were facing up to what you wanted and damn it, you were fighting for it. You fought for Wonder and you fought for all of those horses and most of the time you won. You can’t win them all, Ashleigh. But the day that you left I was pissed at you and more than that, I was disappointed in you. I never thought that that could happen.”

“I just couldn’t face everyone, Charlie. Brad told me that if I walk away from the horses then I might as well walk away all together so I did. I came back because I wanted to make it work with him and I saw him with Lavinia and,” I paused, fighting the images of them in my head. “I couldn’t take it so I took off again.”

Charlie shook his head. “Just go talk to him, will you? Your carrying his baby inside of you. You can’t keep running. Your never going to get anywhere.”

*

Wonder was in the far pasture, the one that I had walked her to a thousand times before, before I ran away from her. It startled me to think of it that way but in reality that’s what I’d done. I saw her now as when I’d seen her the first time I’d met her. She was a tiny, helpless filly who was weak and no one else believed in. But I believed in her. And she started to rely on me to be there for her. I wondered what she’d thought when all of a sudden, I’d stopped coming. If she looked for me and what her reaction would be when she looked up and saw me standing there, six months pregnant, broken, and looking for something to believe in.

Was it any wonder that I’d ended up here? Standing in front of yet another horse, the one that I loved more than all of the others, asking her to fix me? It was just like me.

Mr. Wonderful had already been weaned and Wonder was already pregnant with her next baby. There were a few others in the pasture and they looked up when they heard me coming but went back to grazing but not Wonder. She tossed her gorgeous, glittering mane, let out a whinny and trotted towards me. I felt tears spring to my eyes and I suddenly was over come by the loneliness that a life without horses had brought me. I missed them. I missed working with them and taking care of them and spending time with them. I missed wrapping my arms around them, breathing in their scent, and loosing myself in them.

“Hey, girl.” I called out when she stopped in front of me. I slipped the bridal in my hand over her face and she accepted the bit willingly. I hadn’t brought a saddle, I wouldn’t need one. Wonder, I was sure, would be the perfect lady. My perfect partner in getting back up on a horse again. I trusted her.
I opened the gate and felt her excitement because she knew what was coming. Her friend Ashleigh was back, the girl that showered her with endless love and attention, the one who went away for awhile but came back. The one who always came back.

I used the fence to help me climb aboard. It took me a second to find my balance, especially with the newfound weight that the baby was bringing me. My center of gravity had totally changed. Wonder waited for the go-ahead and when I gave it to her she started off at a steady walk, tossing her head and her mane glittering. I’d forgotten how breathtakingly beautiful she was. How much I adored her. How much I missed this.

I don’t know how long we rode but it had to have been for awhile because by the time we arrived back at the farm the sky was starting it’s descent to pink. The late August night was warm and I enjoyed it’s breeze on my face as I rode into the stable yard. I leaned forward and felt Wonder’s neck, still finding her cool. I slipped off her back and returned her to her stall.

“I’ll get you your dinner, girl.” I said as I opened her stall door.

“Where’s she been?”

It wasn’t the voice that I was expecting, certainly not here dressed in a dirty pair of jeans and an old shirt. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and his eyes were red, his hair uncombed as he looked up and rest those brooding blue eyes on me. “I took her for a ride.” I stammered and Wonder halted beside me, her head just inches from my shoulder.

“You did?” He said and I couldn’t read the expression in his eyes. If he was pissed or pleased by my showing up here.

“Um, yeah.” I said as he walked out of Wonder’s stall so that we could get in. I took off her bridal, saw that he’d already fed her, gave her one last kiss on the nose before shutting her stall door.

“You came back because of Charlie?” He asked, shoving his hands in his pockets and studying me. I wasn’t used to this Brad, the one who wasn’t all fire and ice, but the one who was quiet and who listened. Who didn’t say whatever was on his mind right then.

When I said yes, I was certain that I saw disappointment in his eyes but he was still Brad Townsend and managed to cover it up with his perfection. “I went to see him this morning. He seemed fine.. Still Charlie.” I tried to smile but the muscles in my face felt all tight and funny and the only thing that my face would work for was staring at him. I felt frozen, petrified, and all at once it hit me how much I missed him. I realized how much I missed being his wife and laying in bed beside him, watching him breathe. I missed fighting to get one of those smiles out of him and when I did everything just seemed worth it. I even missed our stupid arguments and I especially missed the fire in which we loved each other.

“How long are you here?” He asked, clearing his throat.

“I don’t know. A couple of days, maybe? I kind of just ditched out on work and they’ll want me back soon.”

“Work?” He asked, tilting his head slightly. He seemed just as off balance as I did.

“Gas station.” I said and immediately felt embarrassed.

“Like what do you do?”

Thank you, honey. I wanted to say. Just add to my mortification. “I make pizzas.”

At that he laughed but it was genuine, not cruel or calculating. “They let you cook?” I saw him raise his arm, like he had a hundred other times when he wanted me to slip under it, to be close to him, but it fell down again and he looked at me with serious blue eyes. “Come to the office with me.” He said and I nodded.

When we got there, he closed the door and I had a flash of the first few weeks we’d been married how many times we snuck in here to steal kisses or even going as far as to have sex right on that couch in the middle of the day. We’d lock the door and stay in here for as long as we could. I noticed that he locked the door now.

He went into one of the file cabinets and grabbed a stack of papers and I felt my heart clutch in my chest and then break when I saw the word divorce typed in bold letters at the top. I was gripping the chair in front of me so tight that my fingers were turning white.

“I knew where you were.” he said quietly. “I came to Carly with every intention of dragging you back to Kentucky and forcing you to work through your problems. Charlie told me not to go. He said that you’d come back when you were good and ready and that I shouldn’t mess with you until then. He said that you loved me and you’d never stay away from me.” Until now Brad had been staring at those divorce papers intently but he looked up and his eyes were glistening with what I knew were tears. He let me see them. He showed me his raw, broken heart and I showed him mine.

“I got there and I was tired and irritated but I was excited to see you, too. Because I missed you, you know. I missed you,” he said again with emphasis and a tear slid down his cheek. He fingers were digging into the papers, crinkling them. “I showed a couple people your picture and they told me where you were at. I pulled up in front of the house and my heart was racing in my chest.” He leaned back in his chair and stare at the ceiling for moment and looked as if he were remembering something very painful. He ran his fingers across his face, through his hair, and sat up again but those tears were still in his eyes. “I even went so far as to walk up those stairs and I looked in your window and I saw you there…with another man. You guys were laughing about something. I had to have stood there for like ten minutes, just watching you. You guys never touched or kissed or anything although I could tell he wanted to. You weren’t wearing your ring,” I looked down at his hand and saw the gold band was still there. “and all I could think was that you just escaped into this new life with our baby and I was so stupid for coming down here because you didn’t love me anymore.”

“But I came here before I even went to Carly. There was a party over at Henderson’s place and I went there and I was going to tell you everything and ask you if I could come back home. But you were with Lavinia and it looked like the two of you were together. That’s when I went to Carly.”

“Lavinia and I weren’t ever together. She asked me to go with her that night as her date just to make her look good and I agreed. We haven’t even seen each other since.” He stood up and ran his fingers through his hair and shoved his hands in the pockets of his dirty jeans. “Damn it, Ashleigh. What does any of this matter anymore? Your going back. Your going back to him and your going to live your life there and I’m not apart of any of it.”

I rested my hands on my pregnant belly and all of a sudden the baby was kicking furiously inside of me. I just sat there for a second, feeling it kick and then I knew what I had to do. “I missed you, Brad.” I looked into his eyes when I said this, my hands still resting on his child inside of me. “I thought about you every damn day. I went to sleep every single night wishing that you were beside me. There was never anyone else. You were right. Aiden wanted to be that guy for me but that guy has been you for quite some time now.”

“Ashleigh.” Brad said and his voice only brought more tears to my eyes.

“You can sign those divorce papers, Brad. You can give up on us but I won’t give up on us. I won’t ever sign those papers. When you kissed me that night at Caro’s wedding, you started something and I’m not ready to finish it.” I reached in my pocket for my rings and I held them up to him. “I’m sorry that I didn’t wear my ring. I was hurting and I did want to put everything behind me. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t look at it every day and wish that things were different. I love you, Brad and that will never, ever change.”

“I’m sorry, Ash.” He said and now he was really crying.

“What?”

“But the only way your ever going back to Carly is with me and that’s only to get your stuff. I’m not ever going to let you leave me again.”

“Good.” I said but I barely even got that word out before he crashed into me and covered my lips with his.

[horselover]

I'm so glad you posted this story here. I love it!!